All posts in category: Uncategorised

Your title’s too long

Why...

Are the titles of television shows and movies so long? There is a movie on Netflix called The Woman in the House Across the Street from the Girl in the Window. This is the tip of a particularly annoying iceberg that is intent on sinking my ability to search for shows. Nowadays with so many options to watch from Sky, to ITV Hub, Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime, Disney + Uncle Tom Cobbly and all, I spend most of my time feeding titles into search engines. Fine if you are looking to watch movies like V, It, Up, Z, W or Us but more irritating than nails down a blackboard when it’s The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan or my recent favourite Night of the Day of the Dawn of the Son of the Bride of the Return of the Revenge of the Terror of the Attack of the Evil, Mutant, Hellbound, Flesh-Eating Subhumanoid Zombified Living Dead, Part 2: In Shocking 2-D (1991)

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Your grobulator is not in sync with your doo-hickey

July 11, 2021
Friends Kids/Family/Relations Technology Uncategorised Work
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Why...

Do I have to listen to drivel? Jargon is really a verbal hedge professionals hide behind... waiting to jump out and financially mug you. The truth is most businesses are not that complex, but to make everyone think someone has an IQ the size of a planet, people make up complex words (acronyms if in the Army) that no one understands. Never let a simple word stand in the way of a complex one, especially if as a lawyer you can charge £500 an hour to explain it.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

2021... about bloody time!

December 29, 2020
Entertainment/Media/Arts Finance/Law Friends Kids/Family/Relations Uncategorised
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Why...

I shall stay up till midnight this New Year’s Eve?

Like guests who have overstayed their welcome and I shed crocodile tears as I wave a relieved good bye, I shall bid an un-fond farewell to 2020. Indeed, I shall stay up to make sure we do go into January 1st 2021 rather than have Groundhog Day and get stuck on 31 December 2020.

There is no need to dwell on the all the obvious reasons of why I shall be ecstatic to say Adieu to 2020; US elections, riots, Brexit and COVID.

Here are a few less known things that have expired and I am saying goodbye to in 2021.

My Tabasco sauce of five years,

My Lea & Perrins of ten years ago and

Any Twinkie cakes buried in the cupboard and bought when my Kindergarten teacher was born must also now go the the giant dustbin in the sky.

I know that within a month of every electrical guarantee expiring, the gadgets will all go phut... unless I paid money for an extension on the guarantee. The equipment will duly give up the ghost the next day after expiry of the longer warranty.

Unbelievably, beer only lasts four months from bottling. Whoever has kept beer that long anyway?

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

If I come to a meeting with clean fingernails and polished shoes, don’t kid yourself, it’s not for you. I have writer’s block

February 3, 2020
Entertainment/Media/Arts Friends Life Technology Uncategorised Work
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Why...

Is writing for me sometimes a pleasure and at others a chore? Today I needed to get on with the follow up to my debut thriller Fall Out, called The Bastion. But as is often the case, I am stuck. Of course it’s not directly my fault. My Muse must have deserted me for someone more worthy, or the moon is aligned in such a way that my creative juices are drier than a cinnamon stick. Whatever the cause, anything is better than staring at a blank keyboard. I have just polished all my shoes. Nothing. So polished my belts as well. Still just white noise in my head rather than a new character or plot twist. Cut my nails, tweaked out nose hair, squeezed a few back heads. Zero. I even slung an angry riposte to some fool on Facebook. Still zip. The fool on Facebook made me laugh though. After a fatuous and totally incorrect comment about deer culling that I refuted with an article from the left leaning The Guardian entitled, We must kill Bambi. Why deer culling is a no brainer the response was: “Who asked you for your opinion anyway. Fuck off.” The irony of not understanding when you put your own opinion out into a public forum, by definition invites a response, says a lot about the lack of debate in our social media age. Most bloggers just want their voice heard, not challenged. It’s me me me on a platform that is marketed as us us us! If I actually understood the origami that is ironing, I might even see if I could attack the pile of shirts that need attention. Tonight we are due out to dinner and I will be as well manicured as a teenager trying to take out the preacher man’s daughter. My host will take it as a compliment. But for me it will be as if Samuel Taylor Coleridge himself had hung the albatross around my neck.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Where there’s a will, there’s a... relative

November 8, 2019
Friends Kids/Family/Relations Politics Sex Uncategorised
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Why...

Did God invent money? To keep you in touch with your children.

It’s a sad truth that money trumps politics, religion or sexual orientation as the biggest buster-upper of families.

Here I stick my hand up and admit in my own family if mention is made of wills and inheritance it’s like nails down a blackboard.

Before we get personal, let me start with the tax logic... or utter lack of it. If you’ve had your nose to the grindstone, worked hard and paid your taxes, why do you get taxed again gifting it to whomever you please. Now I know in the UK there is a daft provision that if you live for seven years after the bequeath then what you bequeath is tax free. But why? What cockamamie logic is that?

When you are on the last lap of the race of life and you need money to look after yourself and lessen the burden to others... sorry, you must give it all away to lessen the inheritance tax bill. Either you live in poverty in your last years or rely on those you gave your money too will look after you. Either has the potential for disaster.

Next. The taxman's beady little eyes are more shortsighted than a mole. They value an Estate at time of death, not at the grant of probate. Mad. Let me give a simple example. Let’s say you sadly popped your clogs before the crash of 2007 when stocks were high but your wife who achieves probate afterwards when stocks were often more than halved; she would find there was very little left after the taxman had his Jaws like bite.

Then there is probate itself. Legal constipation at its finest. Even simple probate takes a year and more complex ones taking up to five times that.

Once you have got through all this... the legal challenge. A minefield and the explosive device upon which many a family have trodden and blown themselves to smithereens.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

It seemed like a good idea at the time...

January 6, 2018
Fasion Health & Beauty Food & Drink Friends Uncategorised
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Why...

Do I sometimes try so hard to make myself look stupid when so many other people would do it for free? I have recently had one of those bumps in the road when what seemed like a brilliant investment opportunity may just have become a life lesson. “Would you like some cheese to go with that whine,” my wife asked me as I moaned about possible loss of face, time and money. The fact is, if you are an entrepreneur you only have to bat 51%. I suppose I can at least smile when I remember some of the howlers Dragons Den have made... turning down TangleTease which is now worth £200m! Still the next project is looking very good.....

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

YES, YES, YES… TWO MORE INCHES MAKES SUCH A DIFFERENCE

September 29, 2017
Fasion Health & Beauty Life Love Travel/Nature Uncategorised
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Why...

Is my life a squish? If ever there was a synonym for useless it’s the phrase 2+2 to describe the seating in a car. 2+2 does not equal four or even three in human terms. 2+2 usually entails a back seat that requires the passengers to be munchkins. In any other business this description would be challenged in court as patently untrue! And yet all that is needed to turn these torture chambers into seats you can actually sit in is a couple more inches of legroom. Most fancy 2+2 cars like Porsche 911 or Aston Martin DB9 seem to have less room than a Fiat 500! Yet these sleek machines are anything up to 185 inches long, so how can you not add 2 inches of leg room? Either just have a useful parcel-shelf that you can sling a handbag, briefcase or dog onto and make the car more compact, or have seats people can use. Right now these cubby holes masquerading as somewhere to sit just make what could be a small and nimble sports car longer for no reason.

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Did you suffer a Red Arrows moment today?

Why...

Do I still go to meetings that are gibberish and the jargon used means the conversation shoots right over my head......like The Red Arrows? A few years ago I was a partner of a consortium that bought a media group for US $ 250 million. Not exactly chump change but to some of the bankers involved this was really very small beer. However we were asked to produce endless permutations of business plans that seemed to cover every scenario from the precipitous decline in demand for TV movies in one particular territory right up to the consequences of a global outbreak of bubonic plague. Each version required the deforestation of a sizeable chunk of the Amazon rain forest as we were required to pour over these new numbers on paper. To me this careful scrutiny felt like I was inspecting the entrails of a chicken that had been sacrificed to foretell the future. (The chicken would have proved about as useful and a lot quicker). These endless sessions were liberally sprinkled with words like EBITDA, subordinated debt, super subordinated debt, coupons, debt equity swaps and probably Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Whilst of course you need a business plan as a starting point that is all it is. A justification that allows someone else to lend you more money due to a good idea being backed with some logical numbers. I started to fantasize with my own permutations... "If Mark has twice as many bullets as Banker B and banker B has six times less bullets than Banker C who has a hundred bullets, how many bullets can we all shoot into Banker D?" In reality though these endless permutations are a get out of jail card for the bankers... They can at least bleat to their boss that if Nobbynomates.com, a brilliant site for people with halitosis does not quite take off as envisaged, they looked at every eventuality. "Well Mr. Countdacost I regret to tell you that because of this failure your bonus this year is only a zillion $ rather than a gabillion $." I am no wizard but I am always amazed at the amount of time spent looking at numbers rather than the business itself. I suspect out of 100 companies that survive their first year of trading 99% end up with a business plan that is not even on nodding terms with the one in their prospectus! If bankers are so obsessed with numbers they should only get a decent bonus if the actual numbers after year one correspond with those in the plan! If the business is a success but with totally different numbers, they should not be rewarded for the utter misery they put entrepreneurs through!

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The Digital Water Cooler and the End of Suburbia

Why...

Actually go to work? As some of you know, a while back I hightailed it out of the UK to settle in Malta. Contrary to popular belief this was not to retire and endlessly gargle drinks with little umbrellas in them and discuss the good old days with expats and people in Witness Protection. It was to set up a digital business; a revolutionary App that makes language learning fun. LingoZING! (www.lingozing.com) uses the visual storytelling of digital comics and graphic novels with an interactive multi language interface. Basically you can hear and read in two languages switching between the two with an onscreen slider. The actual App goes live in January 2017 but you can get a glimpse on Kickstarter, https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/446245694/lingozing-the-fun-way-to-learn-a-language?ref=recommended) One of the early meetings with a friend (and now investor) started with: "Why should I invest in a company whose people are spread across the globe like so many ticks on a dog's back?" "Coz these ticks bite 18 hours a day, " I snapped back faster than knicker elastic. You see we have a team in Bulgaria, two of us are in Malta, the CFO in South Africa, the CTO in San Diego and marketing people in the USA, France and Brazil. So in the highly unlikely event of anyone working only eight hours, there is someone working 18 out of 24 hours a day. That's pretty impressive for a start up with low overheads. We of course are not the only disparate group of people all bound by the same digital umbilical cord rather than being anchored to the office water fountain. Connectivity comes from phone, email, SMS, Skype or Zoom. However I feel no less of a homogenous whole than if we were all crammed into expensive office space. In fact it's better. Sure occasionally you take a Skype call at a ridiculous time in the night with a shirt and tie on top but still in dressed below in sweat pants! I have no commute and the coffee is excellent. My computer screen is the Alice Through the Looking Glass that binds me to my friends and colleagues.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

Say Cheese...

August 25, 2016
Food & Drink Travel/Nature Uncategorised
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Why...

Is no meal complete for a European without cheese at the end of it? In America, they nibble on cheese before a meal, though I use a very wide definition of the word. In the US there are of course some delicious local cheeses but they also provide Cheez Whiz which is 'cheese' in a spray can. (Allegedly... it actually isn't cheese in the real sense of the word though the can does contain the ingredients to make cheese). You don't even need a cracker, you just stick out your tongue and give the can a squirt. America also seems to provide hard cheeses the colour of condemned veal and others that look like they have been rolled in crushed M&Ms. Although this kind of mass produced wax is perfectly legal to sell and eat you are breaking FDA rules if you import real Brie or other foreign cheeses that exceed a bacteria limit. What is sold in the USA has been irradiated to kill off that Froggy, Italian or English natural bacteria!

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What I have in my pockets is absolute magic...

Why...

Do things in one pocket, move to another or simply disappear? Without fail if I go to the supermarket and load myself up with enough bags to look like a pack animal, no matter which pocket I pat to find the car keys it's always the last one that contains the blasted fob! And there is no rhyme or reason. It's nearly always a different pocket. It has now obsessed me so much that I start looking around for Harry Potter hiding behind a trash can waving a wand or Uri Geller squinting at my trouser pockets from a passing bus....

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Here is how Mitt Romney can be President

Why...

I understand that 48 of 50 states have a bad loser provision. Effectively this prevents a declared runner after losing a Party nomination standing as an Independent. So if Trump loses at Rep convention he is finished. If he wins however this also means Mitt Romney can run as an Independent and can win. He has not declared so cannot fall foul of bad loser provision.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

It drives me potty

Why...

THIS WEEK’S BLOG IS NOT FOR THE FAINTHEARTED! Are Englishmen so obsessed by poohing and the loo? It is of course a historical fact that Englishmen have been the world’s greatest plumbers, including the wonderful Thomas Crapper. He set up shop in Chelsea and although did not actually invent the flushing loo itself, he did invent such masterpieces as the ballcock and the spring loaded seat. His Royal Warrants (issued as an endorsement of use by the Royal Household) in the mid-1800s gave the new-fangled machine public approval and was key to its acceptance in homes. The obsession is frequently commented on by visitors from abroad, staying at our home. After a long dinner party, the conversation can so easily turn to bodily functions. The time and observations my English friends make whilst ‘on the throne’ can be discussed ad infinitum. It is said the average person spends three months on the loo during his or her lifetime. That, of course, is utter nonsense for the Englishman who would measure their lifetime’s use in decades.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

From an Iceberg to Mr. Grey’s Handcuffs.

Why...

The last wide released Parental Guidance movie to feature an actual sex scene was Titanic way back in 1997. (In today’s overheated classic car market God knows the auction value of the 1912 Renault in which Jack and Rose had their steamy tryst?) Since then, PG rated movies with scenes ‘doing the dirty’ has all but disappeared. Why? The reason is parents. In the US they are now the censor. Mom and Dad really decide if a kid is grown up to see something dark and scary or light and funny. Is it Batman or Ironman? A parent tags along either because a) they want to be on hand if their offspring get too frightened and/or b) might actually want to see the movie themselves! However the kids would rather diet on brussel sprouts and liver than watch a sex scene with a parent present. So if a movie has sex, kids won’t go. Teenagers who have gone to the movie for a date certainly don’t want their style cramped by old farts in the audience. So sex scenes in wide released movies have all but disappeared, replaced by bombs, bangs, bad language, and boys in spandex. Showing the actual act of sex became bad for box office; no matter we all really like to indulge in it. Even movies all about sex, have none… The Hangover 1, 2 or 3 or Bridesmaids for example.

..and another thing (continue to read this post)

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All posts in category: Uncategorised

Your title’s too long

Why...

Your grobulator is not in sync with your doo-hickey

Why...

2021... about bloody time!

Why...

If I come to a meeting with clean fingernails and polished shoes, don’t kid yourself, it’s not for you. I have writer’s block

Why...

Where there’s a will, there’s a... relative

Why...

It seemed like a good idea at the time...

Why...

YES, YES, YES… TWO MORE INCHES MAKES SUCH A DIFFERENCE

Why...

Did you suffer a Red Arrows moment today?

Why...

The Digital Water Cooler and the End of Suburbia

Why...

Say Cheese...

Why...

What I have in my pockets is absolute magic...

Why...

Here is how Mitt Romney can be President

Why...

It drives me potty

Why...

From an Iceberg to Mr. Grey’s Handcuffs.

Why...

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What drives you crazy?

Want to know when I publish the next blog?

All posts in category: Uncategorised

Your title’s too long

Why...

Your grobulator is not in sync with your doo-hickey

Why...

2021... about bloody time!

Why...

If I come to a meeting with clean fingernails and polished shoes, don’t kid yourself, it’s not for you. I have writer’s block

Why...

Where there’s a will, there’s a... relative

Why...

It seemed like a good idea at the time...

Why...

YES, YES, YES… TWO MORE INCHES MAKES SUCH A DIFFERENCE

Why...

Did you suffer a Red Arrows moment today?

Why...

The Digital Water Cooler and the End of Suburbia

Why...

Say Cheese...

Why...

What I have in my pockets is absolute magic...

Why...

Here is how Mitt Romney can be President

Why...

It drives me potty

Why...

From an Iceberg to Mr. Grey’s Handcuffs.

Why...